Letter from Janae: August
Whew, August was a bit of a roller coaster. I thought July had asked me to surrender but August asked for even more. On the hard days I resented it, on the good days I was grateful for the lessons and clarity it was providing.
On those hard days I felt isolated, sad, and frustrated that I wasn’t more. (More of what? Anything really, more healthy, more happy, more confident …). I was wrestling with those inner voices that trap you in a corner and hurl insults that at closer examination are actually empty. These days would often end in tears, a walk outside or a workout to move energy in my body. I can thank these hard days for bringing me back to a regular pranayama practice- for that, I am grateful.
The good days brought a sense of grounding, being cleansed (probably from the release of so many tears on the bad days), and more hope-full than hope-less. I would collect the remnants of my torn up heart and place them back together in a new way. Welcoming changes to habits, rewriting old stories, and acknowledging the triggers on those hard days were worth looking at and re-evaluating.
Through it all I could witness these inner storms rolling in. There was the guidance of the Higher Self whispering in the back of my mind that this too shall pass, and I could put myself in the seat of the observer, even if for just a few moments in the midst of it all. Easy? No. But its through this real life experience that we put our Spiritual practice to work- and in my opinion, this is where we actually integrate the wisdom. Not in a workshop, in a class, or from reading a book. But when we take what we have mentally learned and put it into action.
This is how Ayurveda works too. It is one thing to absorb all the knowledge and a very different thing to actually live it. In Ayurveda there is a term, prajnaparadha, that means ‘crimes against intelligence’. This is when we know that something isn’t in our highest good and we do it anyway. And often on repeat. This is one of the principle ways that we knock our bodies and minds into an imbalance. It took me quite a few years to realize that simply learning yogic, trantric, and ayurvedic philosophy was not enough - I actually had to live it. Because when I was acting out of alignment with these higher wisdoms I was noticeably not as stable, holistically healthy, or content with life. There were a lot more hard days because there were a lot more incongruency with what I knew and my actions. Can you relate to this?
August really helped me see this more clearly. It also helped soothe my heart by accepting that hard days will happen, we live in a challenging time, there will always be lessons to learn, but I can weather these storms a little more gracefully and actually harvest the wisdom out them more efficiently.
I always crave depth in life and I credit this deep desire for leading me beyond the superficial ability to recite and regurgitate what I have learned. This is definitely one of my gifts- the gift that I will fearlessly welcome the embodiment of wisdom despite how challenging, scary, uncomfortable it may be and how much my ego will resist. I realize that doesn’t come naturally to all but I do believe it is a process that can be exercised like a muscle. The courage becomes stronger and more resilient than the fear and hesitancy to really look at your life, your habits, your heart and invite … well, in truth, annihilation to the way you were. Sound too much? You can replace annihilation to reprogramming, ha! I just get so much pleasure from Kali Ma’s destructive energy when I get in this space!
I digressed slightly, but I suppose at the core of this letter I want to express these three things to you, dear friends …
Hard days are meant to be harvested for their lessons, their clarity, and remind you of your/our humaneness. They will happen and that’s OK.
As we grow wiser in life, with every weathered storm and moment of remembering who we truly are (holy light) it isn’t enough to just know it in our mind- we must start embodying and living it.
Don’t be afraid of the depths of self re-birth. Or, you can be afraid but let your courage guide you to dive in anyway. Yes, you will never be the same but isn’t fine wine better because of its depth of flavor? You will be better for the depth too.
So now I bow in gratitude to this month of lessons, I thank the Divine for guiding me each step of the way, and I thank YOU for reading and being a part of this journey and self exploration too. I’d love to hear what August brought forth for you- what lessons you may have learned or what fun was had too!
I see you September … and I am ready for you!