Life offers us many doorways to walk through over the course of our lives. Sometimes the doors are already flung wide open, ready to receive us. Sometimes they are hidden behind thick vines that we must first cut back, to leave the complexity behind, as we enter into new territory. And sometimes, the doors have yet to appear. Mirages of them glimmer along the way but they quickly disappear as you reach out to grab the handle.
Its the end of a calendar year and as I sit here writing this I am currently sitting at a wall waiting for the door to appear. A dear friend offered me the wisdom that sometimes we just have to wait, that the door isn’t quite ready, that the divine orchestration isn’t complete and ready to receive me. As I sit here at this wall, I’ve had kind souls come by to offer me nourishment and refreshment. Others who offered kind words and silly anecdotes to uncover a moment of mirth. Not a cruel word was spoken by any other, only by my own voices inside my head.
This period of waiting has challenged my impatient nature immensely. Over the last few weeks I have closed chapters on my life that are waiting for their follow up. I floated through the liminal void of the winter solstice, trusting that the pain of my inner confusion would fade. How had I come to this place? How had I not seen the lessons and omens before? Am I depressed? What is wrong with me?
Two weeks of these voices went on almost non-stop. A vortex of self doubt and fear that got darker by the day. I felt my vibration lowering to a point I hadn’t been to in a long time. But this was a story I had already lived before- a similar sequence of events that unfolded over 5 years ago that lead me a low point not unlike the one I was currently living. The old story had ended in my first awakening … and if that was the case, then this time I would prevail again. There was no option not too. And it was this moment of conviction that picked my spirit up, and plopped me down by the wall where I was meant to wait for my door to appear.
But I must have patience.
My lesson is to wait. Trust the divine timing.
Ah the one command that could make me squirm for lifetimes.
As I sit by this wall my work is to relax, and find stillness. My work has been to listen, even to the silence. The work has also been to forgive myself and find pride in my journey to this spot by the wall. The frame of the door is appearing, a light outline against the ancient stone. I can hear voices on the other side and know that the reception is in motion. The dark voices, the self betrayal, and the falsehoods of my imaginative ego are being addressed one by one as I prepare my heart for the doorway to open. I cannot carry these voices with me, they have no place on the other side.
What I choose to carry with me is a new sense of trust, and a fortified belief in divine timing. Trust that all is being provided for. I carry with me a pride of my resources- the adaptability, courage, and fierceness that I have proven to myself is a part of my nature. I carry with me belief that all is coming. With each reconciliation I make within myself the door appears a little more clearly.
Life does present many doorways- challenging ones, joyous ones, uncertain ones, definite ones. Sometimes we are so determined to cross over we forget to savor the anticipation of the orchestration that is occurring to make that door possible. We quickly forget what we learned, what we are carrying, or where we came from in a blind passion for the something new. Or in the fear of the unknown.
But should we pause at the cusp of the threshold
Take a deep breath
Look around for a moment and be present
We will be awakened to the ceremonious experience of these doorways.
I hope you find the courage to stop and pause- before spirit insists that you do. This was a lesson I had refused to learn before, but She is making sure I never move forward the same again.
I will pause at the thresholds, to celebrate and take stock. To feel the fire of the portal that is the doorway.