When we are born we become initiates of the world and over the course of our years we experience a number of initiations, whether through our society- such as religious rites, marriages, and parenthood; but also ones that mark moments on our souls own journey. Initiations may happen right before or after a great challenge, when a lesson is integrated and right action follows, or when an aspirant meets their teacher (to name a few).
The act of initiation involves a sacrifice- something is left behind of the individual in pursuit of the unfolding path that awaits them. When a babe is born into their human form they leave behind the euphoric state of pure consciousness to come fully into the density of the 3D. Devotees will renounce materialism on the quest to enlightenment. A symbolic gesture can be made in a sacred ritual. You can see this pattern in a multitude of forms throughout time and space.
To be an initiate requires a symbolic death.
Some initiations are more quiet, the process happens within and beneath the surface, perhaps only witnessed by the individual or those closest to them. As I have sat on this threshold waiting for the door to appear for my next beginning I have had to sit in the pain of an ending. In the very beginning of 2018 I requested every so naively to be given the opportunity to be radical with my life in the coming months. Radical can mean bravery and courage to embrace change for the highest good, and it can also mean to be brought down to the roots. I didn’t realize it would take 11 months to get to the point where these two definitions would culminate at the cusp of my next initiation, and that one definition at a time it seemed manageable; but both daring change and being cut to the roots at once was really quite the experience. Be careful what you wish for ..
As the initiate, I was led intentionally by the Divine into a space that would be most uncomfortable. My daily habits and routines had been jumbled by my work ending. I had no immediate prospects to follow. And Spirit knew that this would challenge my mindset, trust, belief, my conviction of purpose. It challenged everything that I believed of myself, and prodded my human ego to question every choice I had ever made. This void in my material world was matched by the shadow of the spiritual world- the darkness of the winter solstice that creates a palpable void in the subtle planes. This is the creative womb of the Mother where all things arise and is guarded by the Crone Herself. In this season of darkness even the divine organizers pause for reflection and being under the guidance of the Wise One.
It is also in this lull that the portal opens for angels and demons alike to come forward with gentle comfort or to entice your human mind into agitation. As I sat in self induced isolation the challengers began to come one by one- as voices of doubt, fear, uncertainty and self-depreciating cruelty. In the darkness these voices can and will become all consuming if the initiate does not come home to their practices and apply the wisdom they have already learned on the path. The voices know that endings are challenging, that the unknown is a place easy for folly, and that human uncertainty is a sure target for chaos & confusion. I won’t pretend it happened any other way than there were days where pure, frightened, and weak ego played out fully in my mind and talk. There was a complete meltdown where I witnessed the words tumbling out of my mouth were not my own but that of my ego mind as I sobbed on that I had no belief in myself or anything else.
But I believe that meltdowns can be a powerful tool if you can step outside of the self and step into the Self. (Ah see? I never lost all belief!) This can in fact be the moment when the phoenix begins to combust into flame realizing that what is being purged also needs to be annihilated and reincarnated into dust and given back to the earth. To let the pain tumble out, to be drawn from the places between each cell, to feel the organs contracting and relaxing as they expel anger, fear, resentments, betrayal, and even disbelief. To let hot tears flow full of the angst and confusion and be evaporated into the air- swept away on the wind and given back to the oceans.
That numbing place at the end of a bone rattling expulsion of emotion is the place that the initiate can rest at the feet of the Divine- completely empty to be filled. This is the ashen state of the Phoenix. This is the formless floating in the void of the Mothers womb ready to be molded. This is the space between, when the initiate is neither who they were or who they will become. This period can last as long as it needs. This initiate needed a longer stay in this space. I have spent days at the feet of the Mother, waiting and being taught the lessons of patience I had refused in the past. In this time I have experienced momentary sparks of inspiration but they flicker out as quickly as they come followed by the gentle whisper of my angel telling me to wait.
I have had to be reminded that waiting is not a passive endeavor. As we wait we are often confronted with a myriad of beliefs, values, and dreams that we hold within ourselves that need evaluated. They have been waiting for your attention but in the busy-ness of life they kept being shuffled to the back. But here in the waiting, there is nothing else to do but become crystal clear.
In my own life I have always charged ahead towards a goal- sometimes I would accomplish it, sometimes I would change course. This charging ahead was often a reactionary state and this habit was not serving me. In fact it was one of the first habits that needed to combust and turn to dust. In my hot pursuit of goals I would often bypass the process, so attentive on what I would achieve in the end. I would miss many important lessons and omens that would have enriched my life. I also was missing the important lesson of achievement. That the achievement of the goal itself is rather hollow if there is no plan for that achievement. I had grown quickly, and expanded rapidly over the last several years since my first awakening- hungrily devouring as if my soul would never be fed again that I missed learning and living this wisdom. And I in turn ended up in my ashen and burned out state in need of being born anew.
This is the rebirth. The phase of an initiates trial where the labor begins. The old ways are recognized and reconciliation is made within. I recognized the holes in my own fabric and am filled with a desire to go back and reweave my tapestry in sincere discipline, in devotion to my own becoming, and knowing that only my tending to my own holes can I assist in the greater ones that effect the collective.
I am being reborn into a state of innocent apprenticeship to the Ascended Masters. Humbled by my misgivings and missteps. Honored for the second chance and the opportunity to begin again. The Crone has led me to the well of the maiden who’s purity of heart is untouched by the fears and doubts of the defeated alchemist on his quest for gold, yet can renew and rejuvenate the tired soul and revive his passion for transformation.
I have a feeling, deep within, that this is one of the greatest initiations of my life. That these labor pains will lead to an explosion of light and joy! And in my waiting I am listening. I am learning. Sipping from the well and gathering my strength to approach this human life from a new perspective, as the passionate alchemist who understands the language of the world. And I imagine it will be a perspective I could never have imagined before.